90 Day Cleanse

Life has been quite a series for me this past year. I've dealt with heavy losses and new changes that require heavy transitions. It also requires a change in attitude, surroundings, and routines. Sometimes change can be painful. There are people we lose we wished would've lived forever. Relationships that end after so many years of being there for each other. Having to climb and build yourself up and out of that dark hole we call Rock Bottom. It seems the pain will never end. So what do most people do to relieve themselves? They self-medicate. They use drugs, drink alcohol, have meaningless orgasms, all to feel better for a little while. I, too, have struggled with this.

For the past year, my alcohol and marijuana consumption has increased dramatically. I went to college for four years and still never consumed as much. It used to be occasionally. I would go to a party and be social, get a little drunk, a little high. However, parties would be spaced out for months. I still had work, school, and the habit can become expensive. I tried to convince myself that I could still be productive while under the influence. I could still do my chores around the house, still study and do homework, and still enjoy the effects. In reality, it turned me off from productivity altogether. Even though I made distinct plans to wash the dishes and vacuum the living room, I wouldn't do it. I'd rather watch tv and eat instead. With this realization, I didn't consume much.

As life began to become more complicated, I began feeling I needed it to stay normal. Depression, loneliness, isolation, rejection, and constant phone calls from people who would trauma dump, was taking its toll. Drinking seemed to be the Band-Aid for most problems. It made people stop crying. It made people laugh. It made people shut the fuck up and go to sleep. Why not? Pass me a fifth of Crown Royal Apple.

Marriage was rocky. My husband and I weren't getting along or seeing eye to eye. Pass me the bottle. Pass me the blunt. I'm tired of the pain.

Losing five and half year friendships. Pass me the bottle and the blunt.

Moving out of the state with a man I didn't like at the time. Pass me the bottle.

The anxiety that comes with starting completely over.

Deaths in my friendship circle.

Grieving a deceased parent.

All the voices in my head telling me that "I'm nothing. I will never be anything but a fly on shit."

And other past traumas, I'll never speak of.

It is scaring me. I want to be able to handle all of this without being under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I'll never judge an addict, because I truly understand. But that's not who I want to be. I want to be proud in my skin. Even though it feels like the weight of the world is pressing down on my whole body, I want to do it sober. Even if it means, I'll be feeling EVERYTHING. Even if it hurts. I want to be sober.

As of yesterday, I've made the decision to not buy or consume any alcohol/drugs for 90 days. After the 90 days, I hope to be on a level where I can only use it for recreational and social purposes. Not to heal or numb my pain. My heart pounds through my chest as I write this down. Ya girl has been through some SHIT. Being sober is going to be a motherfucker. However, I want to be good at my job. I want to be a good mother. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a good person. So if being sober for a little while will help me achieve those things, it's worth the sacrifice. I can do this!